Circle of Security

From April 26th through June 21st 2011 (parenting) meetings were held for fathers.

This informational workshop dealt with these topics:

- Providing emotional security for children

- Exploring how adult/parents struggles affect children

- Exploring a child's needs

- Supporting a child's love of learning

Food was be provided - FREE

New Haven B.O.E. Head Start Program

Helene Grant School

185 Goffe St., New Haven, CT

 *Go to the video page and reveiw the graduation ceremony*  

"I now have a clearer vision of recognizing my child’s needs

and my role in being a responsible parent"

Members of the Circle of Security Parenting Group

Charlie Slaughter - Circle Of Security (Facilitator)

C.O.S. member

                         

C.O.S.  member

C.O.S. member(s)

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The Power of Networking

Male Coordinator from Detroit Michigan

Recently, I had the opportunity to attend a national Head Start Conference in Kansas City Missouri.
Although it is a conference with many different workshop topics related to early childhood growth and development etc. for me these conferences become a time when (male involvement personnel) discuss "war stories in our field" , what we always realize is that the stories and challenges are not isolated to a certain city or town, or many areas of the country.
It is important that we network. Networking, conversing with another person (which so happens to be predominantly men) is a refresher, because most times we only understand each others passion and commitment......if male specialist, male coordinators, ect don't get out of their area once and a while and network, agencies will not sustain a male involvement program, male participation or male visibility. 

In April of 2012 I plan to travel to a Head Start National Conference - this time in Tennessee. I'll spot out another group of young eager fathers who will be excited to have traveled, where recognized as a dad to represent his child’s school but most of all be RECOGNIZED in this light and not the dark deadbeat dad shadow that he may have felt he was in before he was welcomed in a place (a safe place) where his child was and where he was able to advocate for his child and himself. I'll spot out those young male involvement workers and listen to stories that have already been told by me or another "ol school" male involvement worker. The stories never change but now I mentor, I listen, let the fathers and the workers share their stress and their success. The longer you stay in this game of outreach to men the more you see the need to validate the validaters If we, who have been in this field for the past 15 - 20 years don't than who will?......With that, who will educate the fathers at the early stage of their child’s life who will those fathers talk to who will validate them and look for the reason to validate them? I look forward to networking in Tennessee. I look forward to meeting old but mostly new people that share the same true passion and reason(s) on why and figure out ways to engage, support and empower fathers/men in the lives of and in support of their children and others.

At a resource Fair in New Haven CT., I met a gentleman who was very passsionate about.........

A Father's Journey with His Incarcerated Son

                                   Keith Sr.,  Keith III and Keith Jr.

I call this a journey because that's what it is it's "a trip" a road that will be traveled (in my opinion - must be traveled) "it's my job, my responsibility, my role. When we use the term "responsible male", "responsible father", "responsible parent" where is the line drawn? When is it not my responsibility (to be a responsible father) and who is it that determines "this time line"? - A Judge, a lawyer, the other half, society, a book written by a clinician,? Who?
I invite you to walk with me on this journey that I may be taking for some time to come.......you see my son (21 yrs old with a 1 1/2 year old child- my Grandchild) is incarcerated and it doesn't look good!

On March 17th my son didn't have the luck of the Irish. He went to his scheduled Probation appointment and left in handcuffs staring down the throat of a $500,000.00 bond, I got the call that my son wasn't coming home. We always would like to be able to say good bye. Before someone goes on a trip, before someone dies, before someone leaves......it's our natural instinct to want to say "good bye, have a safe trip". The last I got to say to my son, as we usually do at the end of a day was "I love you son" (in a txt because he's usually hard to catch up with) and his reply was "I love you more popz". Now the door can be locked without putting the latch on the door, a plate of food won't be left in the micro wave in case he didn't eat, I don't expect him home tonight or the many nights that follow.................

One thing I did when my son was still not old enough or mature enough to say words, crawl or eat solid foods was- held him in the air, as if he were royalty.....he was he was my royalty he was the beginning of the future.....you see I was the last male standing with a son in "the Young family" I was blessed with having the only boy in all y family to carry on the Young's last name. My brother JHY Jr. was named after my Father. I never understood that. He was the second born son, and yet he was named after my Father JHY Sr. Why not me? Was I not his son? Was he my Step-Father? That remains to be a mystery......I think that I uncovered almost all of "the family secrets" Hell, I'm soon to be forty-nine years old (my Father died of drinking and my mother past from Ovarian Cancer) so....I'll never know. But it hurt and to be honest, sometimes it still does. Maybe that's where the resentment started (i don't know) with my Father.


But that wasn't going to be the case with my son. When my second child was born it was a boy! Many often only hear me speak of my son but I do have to beautiful daughters. My first born Candace-26yrs old and Amanda-19yrs old (I'll get to them in a little bit). Having my son named after me was a gift. It was the one thing I promised I would do if I had a son. To have my last name was the beginning of a new legacy, one that I, KHY Sr. would start and sustain. My brother doesn't have any children and at his age now but my full name? My younger brother JDY died many years ago now (he was sucked up by what comes along with not having a Father or what I would call "bookends" - a mother and a Father, my Father was pretty much gone-due to his drinking before my youngest brother was old enough for "redirecting" or Fathership).


That, this would not happen to my son, not mine, I planned to be in his life forever. I promised him as he was too young to even know what I was saying "I will NEVER leave you" you are my son. Responsibility is a Mother &^*&%#, when you're really being responsible. I look back at when my son somewhere around four or five years old dribbling a basketball and as we walked up the block (during my is it with him/or when I picked him u to stay with me), him on my left hand side (making sure he was away from the street ) he looked up as we were walking and said Dad (I love when my kids call me Dad- even to this day) "can you teach me how to dunk"? I smiled and looked down as he was trying to get this big basketball through his legs as he dribbled the ball and we walked - you have to learn how to dribble first to get to the basket if you want to dunk it. Let's work on your dribbling first, I said.


He seemed to understand, but what I was really saying to him was be patient, you'll get there. That was the beginning of Fatherhood or "Father-ship". Yeah, I know that we help to teach our kids how to walk, eat without choking, how to stand up and pee. But this was an awakening this was my very first attempt in teaching like Fathers do (i think) like Fathers should (i know) We are responsible and that was the first day that I saw myself as a responsible Father. Yeah we all are responsible for feeding, providing a roof over our kids heads bla, bla, bla, but talking to for the future.....teaching for the future, I told him something that wasn't told to me. Better yet, I took out time- not to have him bounce a ball- but took advantage of "the moment".
I listened to what he had to say, what he had an interest in and told him how to get there. Knowing that he didn't fully understand patients.....what four or five year old does......but I fully knew that this conversation wasn't over.......I was setting him up for years to come for dialogue between us to. I write because I miss him already......why couldn't he be more patient? Maybe I was the only voice he heard, while the others voices were louder, and so many and so opposite of my expectations for him.......I always chalked it up to (in parenting) it's me against them. I was out numbered and here we are today, up at midnight, wondering if my son is asleep in that jail with people that have made the same impatient decisions and some, much much worst.....but this is where he is. So I write it down to get it/ or shake it out of y head. Like a rapper or musician writing it all down........I can't sleep, is his mother asleep, his two sisters, his girlfriend how can they sleep if he is where he is?? Some have said to me "well now he has time to think, or he'll be alright, or don't worry?! Don't worry? At what age or stage don't I worry, is there a certain time in his life that I'm not supposed to worry as much?! So then you best believe I worry and will until I can't breath. There's no cut off or Father expiration date here. I write because I can't sleep, cause I think of him cause I cry cause he's my son..........so I write.


I woke up at around six o'clock this morning, I couldn't sleep. Tossing and turning, my sons face kept appearing in my dreams/my thoughts. You know like a nightmare, a bad dream. Constantly I wondered what he was doing at this moment, this minute. Was he up? Was he cold? Hot? Hungry, threatened, challenged, were there enough beds for him to sleep on (with the crowding in this lock up place that he wasn't getting out of)? I remember him telling me when he was locked up before at nineteen, having to sleep on the floor next to a water fountain (that didn't work) that inmates piss in? I have no control over this, where he is, what will happen. Helpless, with few people if any to turn to. We all have our perspectives and opinions and like I said family and friends say  "he'll be alright", "maybe he needed this", My son didn't belong in there, or did he? Am I saying this or feeling like this because he's my son?? Of course. He is no different in ANYONE ELSE'S MIND but he certainly in in mine. How could they sleep, how could they say "this was where he wanted to be"? How could they go on like everything was normal. When I awoke this morning I had tears in my eyes before I opened them. Then realizing that yeah I went to sleep, but I went to sleep so that I could get up the next morning so I wanted the sleep to hurry up and be done with, I didn't go to sleep for rest, I went to sleep to wake up. How can I get rest, who the Hell can relax.  So I write and I write. What's he doing right now. The best way that I can describe my feelings right now is; like I birthed him, like I carried him the full term.....you see I had him with me as much as I could. I remember when his mother took him to North Carolina to visit family. He was due back just a little before school was to start in September (he was around ten years old).It was getting close to him needing to be back but he wasn't coming back. So I got a ride and went to go get him. Not knowing where the Hell I was going, just traveling down I95 South. What I did know was that I was going to get him. And I did..........................


Sometimes (or in my experience) most times parents aren't on the same page.......There are different views on how to raise children, how to communicate in a relationship regarding the child(ren) and most often (in my experience) the women have the "upper hand" "the control", "the last say in rearing the child". How could that be when we both brought this child(ren) in the world? Because she bore the child because she delivered it? How screwed up is that?? Men weren't made to bare children. So because the mother carried this child for nine months- gives her a status of "Holier than thou". I often hear women say and it has been said to me regarding all three of my children "I brought this child in the world" as if the child is solely theirs. I have NOTHING against women but where does that come from. It comes from families, communities, Society. So what?, my job as a Father is to produce, discipline, and pay money? No nurture, No familial connection, No love? And why do men allow this? Why don't they speak up?! If we all protested this - we wouldn't have as many Fatherless homes/Fatherless families. Living in or out of the home a man is supposed to be a man right? So why isn't it that living in or out of the home isn't a Father supposed to be a Father?


The only times when I was "included" by the mother of my son was when he "needed some talking to" but even that was confusing- and I can only imagine how confusing that was for him. If anything he learned how to become manipulative as any kid would be. We must understand that (living in or out of the home) if parents aren't on the same page neither will the child. It's common mathematics! I wonder how much negativity was said about me to him or when he was around conversation. If she would stop herself when she wanted to vent or gossip about me. Was it purposeful, did she or do they want the child to hear what their saying about the Father? Do they want the child to walk away wondering what did she mean by that? Did they want the child to walk away questioning who this man really is that doesn't live with me - that they visit. Giving the child days of reflecting what was said about their Father? Listen; if I dropped him back off to his Mother after a time spent with me, she had so many days to plant a seed. So you walk around on eggshells or in some cases broken glass.....baring it. Shutting up not to get her upset. I paid my child support, I took care of the Birthdays and Holidays etc. but I still needed to walk quietly not to piss her off why - because she had my child?? And now that he is incarcerated she said "well, that's what he wanted to do". How can he be left alone now (no matter what the case) is there an age when you give up is he not your child anymore and the biggest question is why wouldn't you just give him to me when I asked? Afraid to lose the child support money? You could have kept that, I had him the majority of the time anyway, so you wouldn't look bad in front of your friends, to keep control??! So here we are, he's sitting in jail you sleep and eat, smile and carry on while I cry, worry and write. it's 8:54am Saturday morning can he call out yet, did he eat, is he wondering who's thinking about him, who's worried about him? I heard when he got arrested he said can someone be at court the next day. That made me cry (bad) because I knew that he knew I would be their - he was talking about his Mother, her brothers and his so called friends. But nope- it was me- and only me.

I sat in the court room waiting for him to come out (like you would wait to see someone come out of an airport tunnel just arriving off of a plane, or coming out of a train station, the only thing was that I wouldn't be hugging him and saying I missed you, I wouldn't feel his cheek pressed against mine and whisper I love you he had on hand cuffs and shackles and had two men escort him shuffling his feet because of the shackles on his ankles he didn't look at me (but he knew I was there) in he came out of a side door and that was where he was returned to and before he walked through the door way he turned to look at me and I lip synced "I got you".  


I find that being outside takes my mind off of him (momentarily) the sound of the wind, the trees, the passing cars, other people talking (i know it's just a distraction) but that's what strays me away from thoughts (but as I said momentarily). Work will do too........keeping myself busy but still, tucked under that surface - I wonder what he's doing now. I was asked "how long can you keep this pace"? How can you deal with, afford this- monetarily, and emotionally? I don't know I just know that I will. If I don't than who will?


I saw in the news where a politician was shot in the head, pretty much point blank! She not only survived but is speaking now and doing quite well. There wasn't a miracle pill, there wasn't any operation(s) that was done to her more than anyone else.....there was spirit, there was a unity......EVERYONE wanted her to be well.
People that didn't even know her prayed and wished her well. Why wouldn't they give up on her....why can't my son have the same-even JUST his family and so-called loved one. Are my prayers enough, does he feel the love? At what point did he give up on himself. I think my love wasn't enough.


I listened to a song this morning while I wrote (listen to it when you get a chance) "Shape of my heart" by Dominic Miller. for now, today, this morning it gets me by............sometimes my life is like a saxophone thank God for music.


A close friend phrased it up as being emotionally imprisoned, yes that's exactly what this is. I'm serving time with my son. She's exactly right. No hand cuffs (yet I feel my hands are tied), no bars (yet I feel there is a limit as to where I can go and where I can be-with him), no "Correction" officers (yet I must endure their rules-when I visit him), no warden (yet I know it's his or her rules not mine), I can eat (when I wish yet I don't feel like eating). 
Part of me wants to feel this way though.....part of me wants to feel his pain....why is that??
Do I feel guilty that he is in there at the ripe age of twenty-one? Is it because I feel guilty that two consenting  adults brought him in this world and now look where he is? We all get some of the blame! Why is it that when a child becomes "successful" parents/people take "some" of the credit. "They succeeded because they had a good parent or parents" etc. Every gets a piece of the pie, a pat on the back. But when a child "fails" or doesn't succeed according to "the standards" it's the child's fault, it's their situation. When is the line drawn? When is their equal blame or equal shame. Why is it so easy to pass it off on the child. Yes, my son is twenty-one, but he's still my child. All of my children are "my child" and will be till I 99 or dead. I will still and always have a responsibility to them......there is no line, age or stage that I won't feel that I missed something that I should have said or done......It's personal. God gave me a gift.....It's my responsibility!!!

My Father's job (as I saw it) was to discipline and provide. Not through Child Support Enforcement, not because he was told to, that's just the way it was done back then. And that's the way it was with he (his brothers and sisters) and my Grandfather. Those Fathers (my Father and Grandfather) were in the home. Everyday. They came home from work got fed and sat in their self-appointed chair(s). Yeah, we may have gone to a movie or three, went to a few parades through the course of our childhood. But there wasn't that emotional tie, there wasn't the touch, the "I love you son". They didn't cry, they didn't hold. When my first child (Candace) was born I vowed that with my child those things would be different, I would love em and tell  them so, show them so, and always do so, I think I've been pretty constant with that. So what happened? What went wrong with my son........If anything I knew exactly how I was going to be with a son. He would be named after me (no bones about it). He would be with me and I would be with him- totally! And that happened (there were rough times, with the divorce of his mother and I but that wouldn't detour me). How did it get to this? (the next time I write, I will tell you but it may seem like I'm passing the buck/making an excuse- but "it is what it is". We'll name that "BOOKENDS"............... 


When you have a child it's usually consists of TWO parents (aka bookends). Bookends are a support, like parents. If you have two of them the support/the balance is much better if one should be removed there is a greater chance or a definite chance that one side of those books will fall (plain and simple right?). Then why do we get it? If it takes two to make a baby then whats the problem with remembering that it takes two to raise a baby. What do you think a stack of books are missing when one of the "bookends" aren't there (figured it out? - it's missing one of the other bookends). So what's the myth.........people say he had a good mother, so what! "He", was still missing a Father! Some would say well he had a Father but he still went astray........I say "well, how much was the Father involved"? or in this case how much was I allowed to be involved. It was when ever the Mother saw it fit. She was the judge and the jury. I know you heard the expression "walking on eggshells" well that was me. Many times I had to tip-toe around what I needed to say. Because she "brought this baby in the world" she was now the boss the magistrate. My say was limited. I remember one time (when my son was around 13) she called me to say "come and talk to your son, he's getting out of hand). I thought well just call me the clean up man, the bad guy, the one that was going to come over there (in between the time I was to pick him up for my visitation time and straighten him out!! Yeah that's what I'll do I'll go over there and straighten him out, leave and pick him up two days from now and have a good time. Crazy. So I went over and on my way there I thought about how I was going to "talk to him". What he was doing was becoming disrespectful (as she would call it). I think he was testing his role in the house. From his toys being used by others that were allowed, to him having to Mother's (in my experience) "allow" men to be involved when THEY (some mothers) see fit. There's this control or power-over technique they use to have the ultimate choke hold on a Father. Once one of the bookends are removed there



My son and I custodially separated when he was around 3 or 4 yrs old. His mother and I divorced. All of my Aunts and Uncles are divorced, my mother and father . One of my Aunts didn't have a child, all of the others did. I share what became to be an important fact because I married twice, three children by three different women. (what was to be expected?)
It wasn't like I just had a kid......I married first, but I never knew what it was to sustain a relationship and who in my family was I to ask what's a healthy relationship? How did you hold it together?? I had no one to ask........what, watch the Cosby's is that what a family is, is that what we're supposed to do?

The Importance of Men as Male Role Models

There is no doubt that Fathers and Male Role Models are important contributors to a child’s development.

In particular, Fathers and Male Role Models significantly affect the development of Achievement and Motivation.

Fathers (men), as well as mothers are the nurturers and caregivers of their children and play a critical role in their development.

It is imperative, for educators to consider the role of Fathers (men) when developing curriculum to provide the best development experience for our young children.

Child Support Services Meeting For Men

Update: See the Video page for a video recording of the Child Support Meeting that took place.

On March 16th , 2011 there was a meeting on child support where men were educated on, asked questions and shared their concerns. This was an informational workshop supporting men in the lives of their children.

Helene Grant School
185 Goffe St., New Haven, CT




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Articles About Keith

"Fatherhood Initiatives Expanding in Pre-schools."   Public News Service   November 1, 2010    http://www.publicnewsservice.org/index.php?/content/article/16758-1

"7 Parents Get Their Own 'Head Start.' "   New Haven Independent   April 7, 2008
 http://www.newhavenindependent.org/archives/2008/04/no_parent_left.php     

"A Head Start Xmas."   New Haven Independent   December 20, 2007
 http://newhavenindependent.org/index.php/archives/entry/a_head_start_xmas/

"Parents, Teachers, Docs Seek an Earlier Start."   New Haven Independent   July 12, 2007
 http://www.newhavenindependent.org/archives/2007/07/parents_and_ear.php

"New Literacy Initiative Focuses on Fathers."   Yale Daily News   December 6, 2002
http://www.yaledailynews.com/news/2002/dec/06/new-literacy-initiative-focuses-on-fathers/?print